i'm moving

Sam, I'm moving to derabklatsch.tumblr.com!

ich bin wieder da

I pushed my flight back for the third time: now I'm arriving home close to midnight on Friday night.

My brain is completely fried. I feel like a body bag full of jello. I'm working on the last of my academic endeavors--a 12 page paper on Hauerwas and Mouffe--and honestly, it's not even that grand of an undertaking. BUT I've just trudged through a presentation on Thursday, a final on Friday, a research paper on Monday, a final on Tuesday, a final on Wednesday (today), and this paper, due tomorrow, is the last hurdle, and therefore, it's the greatest hurdle. In the two weeks before this, I had three other papers due. All I really wanna do is pack. Or drink tea. Or drink until my lips are numb and roll into my dirty sheets (which haven't been washed for three weeks).

I'm tired.

stressed

So ten more days turned into eleven more days and eleven more days turned twelve. I am so stressed out that I've been suffering from warped vision and fleeting delirium.

Another story:

(17:45:59) adolf: have you told her, you aren't living with her?
(17:46:39) Me: Yeah.
(17:46:43) Me: Okay, so here's the story.
(17:46:57) Me: CZ and I were going to live together, because she didn't want to live off campus.
(17:47:03) Me: So I went looking for housing.
(17:47:34) Me: Found housing, but then I discovered Barbara's apartment had a three-bedroom deal available.
(17:47:37) Me: (Really?)
(17:47:54) Me: And so we looked for a third roommate--and found one, Annie, Liz Morgan, or Lisa.
(17:48:07) Me: But then Jenn changed her mind and said she wanted to live with us.
(17:48:37) Me: But while we were waiting for her decision, we lost the house.
(17:48:44) adolf: Oh NO
(17:49:00) Me: Therefore, now we had Jenn, me, CZ, and Lisa. I had to tell Annie "no" since a) we didn't want to hurt Jenn's feelings, but b) I had to do the dirty deed.
(17:49:05) Me: So we get the lease.
(17:49:10) Me: Originally, Lisa was on the lease.
(17:49:23) Me: But Jenn made me go through the trouble of changing Lisa's name to Jenn so she can sign it too.
(17:49:44) Me: On the day of lease-signing, I tell Jenn to hurry 'cos we have to meet him. Her lame excuse? "I have a headache."
(17:49:46) adolf: this all sounds very annoying to me...
(17:49:51) Me: Like no one else gets headches and deals with them.
(17:50:00) adolf: Hello, you didn't say anything about my williams problem? now the won't fucking change me back
(17:50:36) Me: Okay, so for about the next two months or so, she keeps talking about doing an internship in Korea, which she DOESN'T HAVE. Also, we KNOW for sure that she isn't going, because she always pulls this stupid stunt.
(17:51:04) adolf: wtf/ so were YOU able to sign the lease? and the other kids?
(17:51:11) Me: Finally, two weeks ago, at Ryan's dinner, she publically announces--and mind you, she didn't graciouslly tell Connie and me privately first--at the dinner that "yeah, definitely," she is not living with us.
(17:51:47) Me: (CZ and I signed the lease--they only needed one person to sign it.)
(17:52:08) Me: So we ask Lisa to find a roommate, and she does.
(17:52:23) Me: This is pretty much immediately after Jenn's announcement.
(17:52:48) Me: So we give Jenn a two-week window to change her mind, in which case I would feel bad, but tell Katie she changed her mind.
(17:53:06) adolf: ugh
(17:53:19) Me: Finally, after this two-week window, I sucked in my breath and finally told her, "Hey, we found a new roommate."
(17:53:41) Me: To which she responds: "Oh, sorry--I don't know why I didn't tell you earlier, but I changed my mind. Does that mess up your plans?"
(17:53:50) Me: Connie and I PREDICTED TO A "T" THAT THIS WOULD HAPPEN.
(17:54:02) Me: And WE ALSO PREDICTED THAT SHE WOULD PULL THE PITY CARD.
(17:54:05) adolf: You should have told her its too late
(17:54:23) Me: "My grandmother is dying in Korea. I don't want to be there for that."
(17:54:44) Me: CZ and I are silent. I'm a little miffed with CZ, because she's stressed, but I'm MORE stressed, so she makes me deal with all of it.
(17:55:19) Me: So I bite the bullet and tell her the next day (which is yesterday) calmly that we decided, after a length conversation, that we decided that no, she's not going to live with us.
(17:55:30) Me: AND SHE HAS THE AUDACITY TO BE MAD.
(17:55:38) Me: Fuck that! Who does she think she is?
(17:55:49) Me: And she believes she's in the right this whole time, like she's justified.

And this is why I hate people. Also, I need to add that the grandma thing isn't new; sure, it's sad, but it's not a new consideration considering how her grandma's been in the same state for the last year, before she even considered doing anything in Korea.

Gah.

And there's still so much to rant about.

vomit stains

So it's been a while since I've posted.

I feel I have nothing to write about. I've been sitting on a plateau in the middle of nowhere for the last four months, and I'm more than ready to leave.

The last four months have been dominated by my constant bitching. Favorite topic? A suitemate. A likable enough girl, but GAH do I hate her boyfriend. He's just insipid and annoying. Except I can never just tell her this because: a) she'd be sad and she's already depressed, b) I don't think she'd understand, and c) I have to study abroad with the both of them next semester.

Woe is I. Why does anyone wish to study abroad? To get away, simply. And the one thing I wish to get away from is going to be right there with me, right there while I cry with a warm jug full of cheap American vodka somewhere in Prenzlauer Berg (with Ugg boots on), wondering why I just can't ruin their lives/stop caring about their stupid and irrelevant feelings.

Sympathy is so demode.

It's really sad when someone else's depression turns into a vomit stain, something I really should do something about but would rather just not deal with it. I find it more annoying than anything and I figure if I ignore it enough, if I hold my breath, it really doesn't smell like last week's curdled milk.

I'm really glad to have a three month break in exactly ten days. I miss breathing. It'll be wonderful to be home and cuddle with weird-looking puppies and be around people who aren't exhausting to care about. I miss my neon coral room and I miss my tortoises. On the other hand, once I'm home, I'll miss the people here that make me happy. But I'll see them again next year.

Ten more days.

i'll get you, my pretties

I had to eat dinner with both (and just) my grandparents this evening for the first time in two years. Yes, I do live with them but for the longest time, I've avoided this particular fate. Until today.

My dad threw a fit because I wasn't keeping them company during dinner so I was basically guilt-tripped/conned. I had almost forgotten why I hated eating with my grandparents until we started chowing down. UGH. DENTURES. I wanted to vomit; there is nothing more assaulting and offensive to my peckish state than the sight of my grandfather's disgusting teeth, accented by the squicky sound of dentures... gross!

It seems like such a silly nuisance, but fer rills, lively dentures are right down there with leeches, harlequin babies, and peanut butter on moldy bread--things that are sure to send me spewing.

So I left the table, and when my mom asked why I wasn't eating with my grandparents, I felt too sheepish to not go back and finish dinner. Damn you, you spotted man-crone!

*sigh*
Mein kleiner, runder Kuchen is going to Germany tomorrow. This week is going to pretty much suck, until Sundaaaaaaay!

under pressure

So I passed out (I think?) yesterday morning.

At six-ish in the morning, my aunt came over to drop off her kids (so they can take the bus to school) and asked me to help her translate some things. As I was standing there explaining stuff, my ears got really hot (or maybe cold?) and my head was totally numb... the next thing I knew, my dad--I assumed my grandma had just woken him up--standing in front of me, looking frazzled and my grandma's screaming, "She's blue in the face! Blue!" My aunt was gripping my arm pretty tightly. I tried to shake her off so I could go wash my face in the bathroom. A quick glance in the mirror showed me looking rather corpse-like.

After exiting the bathroom, and having a case of really bad vertigo, I was assaulted by the swirling vision of my two cousins, my aunt, my grandma, and my parents all standing outside the door. Of course, no one would stop bothering me, but I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep 'til the afternoon. My grandma kept making it worse by telling my mom she thought I had died standing (I clearly didn't) but finally, everyone left me alone to sleep.

Weird how that happens!

When I finally woke up, I felt a) extremely mortified and b) completely embarrassed. Everyone and their mothers called me, but I felt okay. I hate it when people treat me like Tiny Tim. Dad told me to eat steak, as if that'll fix things.

Anyway, we've deduced I've got really low blood pressure, since I've got orthostatic hypotension anyway.

has our kindness gone?

"One day, I'm gonna die from brain cancer and YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT." -my brother

Nothing makes a picture like having sub sandwiches with the local SWAT team at Quizno's... wonder if they always ate on break.

I've been on a Christian Bale craze lately--I even watched the terrible "Little Women" (I hated that book as a kid)--and I've decided "The Prestige" is definitely my favorite Christian Bale movie. However, I haven't seen "American Psycho" so we'll see. (The only thing deterring me is that I remember someone telling me that in the book, there was a scene where the main character traps a rat in some girl's cheese-filled vagina. Eeek!)

Life has been more or less confined to my neon coral asylum, but today, I heard "The World I Know" by Collective Soul... for some weird reason, it reminds me of the first time I heard "End Of The World As We Know It" and fell in love in REM. Of course, these days, I prefer "Drive" and "Nightswimming." But "The World I Know" is still so good, in the way that "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum is so good.... They're reminiscent of lying in the back of a truck, watching out for the first stars as the sun sets in Oklahoma. Of course, the melodies rocked me asleep before I got to point out my favorite star.

I miss those days, days filled with eight-year old dreams and eating ice cream and riding bikes in the countryside.

Suburban life is tiring & I'm tired.
Liz